Standing Before the Light in the Dark

The day had been long...we had waited all day to see the doctor and when the time came, the words came out of his mouth like molasses.
"The mass is the size of a plum and....it...has...to...come...out..."
I knew it was coming, but the reality of hearing the words surgery and procedure and anesthesia made my Mama heart weak. The tears began to flow and Dr. Honeycutt handed me a box of Kleenex and he said, "it's never easy to hear and it's never easy for me to say".
The rest of our time with him was filled with questions and answers amid the marathon of thoughts that ran through my mind in between dialogue.
Lauren just stayed curled up in Kendall's lap as we discussed the upcoming event.

The rest of the night was pretty much a blur. Sleep was what I needed and I knew it. Before I went to sleep, I spent some time in the Word...God spoke to me through several verses but these three in particular.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me."  Psalm 54:4

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."  Habakkuk 3:19

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, and rejoice over you with singing."  Zephaniah 3:17

I went to sleep to the sound of the pouring rain on my window and prayed myself into peaceful sleep.

At 1:20 a.m. I woke fearful, scared, afraid, overwhelmed. The deepest parts of my heart were coming out of the darkness and overtaking my heart. The worries and fears that I had were surfacing and I needed to cry...cry hard, warm tears that soaked my pillow. I needed to cry and mumble aloud a prayer of confession, prayers of thankfulness, prayers of supplication, and prayers of intercession for my Lauren. I want so much to fix this but I know that I can't...only God can, either divinely or through the hands of His chosen physicians.

I got out of bed, worn from the emotional withdrawal that was taken from my spirit. I went to sit with Kendall, who was struggling to sleep. I curled up next to him and shared my heart and cried. He said, "let's go pray over her..."

We found our way through the dark to her bedside. I tried to muffle my weeping and be strong, but my time for being strong had run out. I laid in the bed next to her and wrapped my arms around her and prayed, "Lord Jesus, please heal her...YOU can touch her and heal her. I am so afraid and I love her and I want her to be okay. Please don't let her be harmed or hurt from this surgery. It's out of my hands and in your hands. Please hold my baby, Lord Jesus..." I shook as I held her so tight in my arms. Her body was at peace and she was asleep. As she slept, I continued to tell her how much I love her and that Jesus loves her and has a plan for her life.

I was exhausted but the tears wouldn't stop. It was like being a new Mama again and leaving her for the first time, I wanted to be with my baby and not let her go. I went back to bed and Kendall knew that I couldn't stop crying. And he said, "Can I bring her to you to sleep with you? Would that help?" His words were perfect, he knew just what I needed. He carried her, sound in her sleep, and laid her next to me. I wrapped my arms around her and cried. She awoke just enough to ask, "Mama, why are you crying?" To which I replied, "I just love you so much Lauren, so much."

We fell asleep like that and after over and hour of crying and praying, the fear was dispelled and I was set free to sleep in peace.

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."   Proverbs 3:24

When morning came, I was whipped and felt like I had fought one of the biggest battles of my life. I knew then and there that I had learned a big lesson. A faith lesson, a lesson that is pivotal in this journey. I must be prayed up and before His throne each night before I sleep. I know that when I sleep the enemy is more prone to attack my resting soul. I will be vigilant and praying for God's peace, angels, and the blood of His Son, Jesus to cover our home. The battles we will face are great, but with our God and His armor, no weapon that is formed against US shall prosper.